Daily Humour

[Gaurav Shah]

f you had a laugh at something today, do not forget this place. Let's "de-stress" and not distress here...!!! Laughter only helps make life worth living...!!!

[Gaurav Shah]

False - Positives : The HR Manager & GOD

One HR Manager dies and instantly he is in a meeting with GOD.

GOD asked him, “Where do you want to go? Heaven or Hell? You can try one day each at Hell and Heaven...”

HR Manager tries out Hell on day 1. He has a day full of fun with ex-colleagues, friends, golf courses, discotheques, etc. etc. and doesn’t even realize that the day is over. It was total fun and he has a ball of a time there.

Next day, he is in Heaven. Things are quite cool even there. A bit slower and less fun compared to the previous day in Hell. The day passes by.

On the third day, GOD asks him, “So have you decided, where you want to go? Heaven or Hell?”

HR Manager says, “Yes GOD, I have decided. Hell was complete fun to be in. I will go to Hell.”

Almost instantly, he is put there. To his shock, he finds a barren land with nothing that he saw the other day. No one around, no golf courses, no discotheques, etc. etc. He is terribly shocked. He goes up to GOD and asks Him, “What is this? There is nothing in Hell that I saw the other day. Why?”

GOD replies back with a grin, “Yesterday, we were HIRING you. Today you are an EMPLOYEE!”

Gaurav Shah
- DeTimes, DeConseil Pte. Ltd.

[Gaurav Shah]

Management Lesson #1

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the "first" say.

Gaurav Shah
- DeTimes, DeConseil Pte. Ltd.

[Gaurav Shah]

Management Lesson #2

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Gaurav Shah
- DeTImes, DeConseil Pte. Ltd.

[Kelly Karius]

Real Resume Quotes

These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine.
"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
"It's best for employer that I not work with people."
"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
"Personal interest: Donating blood -- fourteen gallons so far."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Note: Please don’t' misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions."
"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
"References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."